Goodbye, Keith.

Yesterday, Monday 11th December 2017, was a grave day.

With immense sorrow, the day literally no-one wanted to see, arrived. The day Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin died.

I can't believe it. So little time has passed but I feel compelled to lay down my feelings although still so raw, so painful.

Hearing his name on the radio yesterday my heart leapt. I assumed, as presumably we all did hearing his name on the news, that Our Keith was coming back to the screen. The big screen? The little screen? Perhaps the theatre? Panto surely?

No. Vae autem homini pulchra mortuus est.

It is at these darkest of times we question the Mother Spirit on High. How can such "evil" come to pass? The deepest of primal vibrations shake us to the core. Such a beautiful man. Taken. His family mourns, his friends mourn, all humanity mourns.

I loved Keith Chegwin. I never met him and it is with tears I shall not get to meet him on this plane of existence. However I know he is throned up on high and if I continue to lead a life of humble positivity, I may - the Gods willing - eventually meet him in spirit. I know I am not worthy, but I must try my hardest.

KC stood for honour, integrity, joviality, loyalty, excellence. He made us laugh, he made us think, and now - his final act - he made us cry.

I can only hope his final twitter post is a portent of a possible rebirth - a messianic call the 21st Century is waiting for, the true second coming. He who may return to guide us through the darker times to come in his absence. I, with the world, live in hope.

To end, the words of a fellow Scot:

Praise of a Man (Norman MacCraig)

He went through a company like a lamplighter –
see the dull minds, one after another,
begin to glow, to shed
a beneficent light.

He went through a company like
a knifegrinder – see the dull minds
scattering sparks of themselves,
becoming razory, becoming useful.

He went through a company
as himself. But now he's one
of the multitudinous company of the dead
where are no individuals.

The beneficent lights dim
but don't vanish. The razory edges
dull, but still cut. He's gone: but you can see
his tracks still, in the snow of the world.

RIP Keith.
Gone but NEVER forgotten.

R.

My Blog # 013 ~ et moi

#MeToo

A number sign and five letters. Yet so much anguish contained within.

With the wave of digitally-empowered LGBTQ sisters, now is also the time for me to come forward and tell of a time when I too fell victim to a sexual predator.

It was during my teenage years, back when I was inhabiting the body of a wee boy. [Edit: to clarify, I was at that time the said boy. Not, as some of you trolls have suggested, that I was perpetrating the crimes. Get real.]

I was a music enthused under-developed youngster, innocent to the ways of the world. That is: innocent to the wickedness all men possess within.

Consequently I was molested repeatedly by a musician I was working with around the years 2005-2006. I don't want to name names.

I have long been confused about this issue as at the time I was very receptive to the sexual attention and although not being able to admit it - because I was definitely not gay!!! - got pleasure and comfort from the "encounters."

The woman in me now understands this "affection" for what it really was: classic male manipulation. I was a victim of brain washing. I was brain washed into THINKING I was enjoying intimacy with another man. He was several months older than me so clearly I was a vulnerable target. It disgusts me.


This perpetrator fled to the other side of the country as I hit my 17th birthday. Could that be a coincidence? I'll let you be the judge of that!!!

Now admittedly we continued to have a friendship up until my recent gender revelation which was kind, humorous and gentle on his part. (Oh so easy to pretend from behind a keyboard!) And although there is no evidence of this perpetrator having committed crimes against any other, as all my victim-sisters out there will testify: all men should be treated guilty until proven innocent. In my eyes the lack of evidence just displays how cunning this man truly was and probably continues to be. Yes he is now "happily" married but I'm sure many cruel predators hide behind the appearance of stability marriage implies.

I can only hope that through my advice, no other trans-woman has to be subjected to the cruel manipulation of a man in their pre-re-gender-assigned teenage years.

I feel better for getting this off my breasts. And although I never did feel like a victim at any point up until recently, that isn't to say I wasn't one. I was unaware. Everyday I'm now revisiting the past and seeing where men have mistreated me.

One final warning sisters: do your best to wake up and smell the coffee. 99% of men cannot be trusted. Scientific evidence may not back this up but I have a proof greater than that of science. The fact is not only have I spent the majority of my life living with men, for the majority of my life I was one. So I know.

May the Gods bless and heal all the sisters who may now feel brave enough to come forward on social media. I love you all, stay strong, stay female.


R.
x

My Blog # 012 ~ a 'trans'-formation

It is official and I finally feel free of all inhibitions to talk openly with you: readers of the present and the future!


Hello, my name is Rory, a transgender female born into the body of a Scotsman in the last decade of the 20th Century. For years, like so many, I struggled with the skin I was in.

I couldn't understand why I never fitted in with other boys. Why despite definitely not being gay, post-puberty I was attracted to men. Why my poetic sensabilities were so forthcoming whilst my physical abilities as a drummer were so limited. Why my spatial awareness was so impaired. Why I craved peace not war...

I was always physically weaker than other boys. Mercilessly bullied for my "strange ways" throughout childhood and the majority of my twenties. I always loved cooking, sewing and bright colours. Always far more conscious of bodily and household cleanliness than seemed normal for a man. A truly torturous existence I lived. Until it all became clear.

I was raised in Thurso on the northern tip of Scotland, by my father. He always despised me and despite having encouraged me to take up the snare drum (the drum corps youth regiment was supposedly the easiest way to get into the army) he later decried me using those skills for rock and roll. Telling me music would lead to no good, I - then a teenage boy - ignored his warnings and went searching for fame and fortune as drummer and songwriter in an English rock trio (pah, the stupidity of man!) Father ultimately proved correct.

Upon returning to his abode several years back, I received the worst physical and verbal beatings I have ever experienced. I do not wish to call him out on these. They were for the best. They were what I needed. They led to the woman I am today. He always told me I was a "walloper" who needed "t' grow a set a' baws". "Yer a' gurl" had been his mantra my entire life and it was during a particularly gruelling fist-attack that his message finally hit home, so to speak.

Thanks to my amazing friends in the Thurso Wicca community who opened up my spiritual side consequently enabling me to engage in a deep understanding and acceptance of myself, that nascent thought "perhaps you are a girl?" took its course. By the time I moved to Cumbernauld a couple of years on, I was well and truly on course to being the independent woman who stands before you today. (Or should that be "sits before you today"? Ho ho!)

Perhaps if it wasn't for the gradually ever-more enlightened age we're living in, I'd have never realised I was a woman born into the body of a man. It is only looking back with hindsight on my previous life that events make sense. Puberty was particularly confusing for me. Thinking at the time I was supposed to be a man, it was very awkward when, as late as my twentith birthday, my testicles still hadn't dropped. Of course my body was attempting the unnatural! Eventually the testes were medically coaxed out by a doctor who queried the small nubbin of shaft and (comparatively) large bulb that was my 'todger' [Yorkshire term I picked up meaning penis]. I was severely teased by a couple of work colleagues (not mentioning any names) over many years that it looked more like a "large clit" [they however used a more vulgar phrase that - as a woman - I find incredibly offensive] than true male anatomy. Medically I was catagorised as suffering from the condition parva ipsum colem. I'm 100% convinced these issues and every other I ever experienced were all down to the fact my body was perpetually in an unnatural state.

We take technology for granted but it is scary to think that without the internet I would most likely not have been able to self-diagnose my transgender state. Would know nothing about my heroes Chelsea Manning, Jenna Talackova and Caitlyn Jenner, and very possibly have struggled on as an inadequate, confused man - no doubt committing suicide as (at best) a middle-aged drunkard. It is to the brave global transgender community I owe my life alongside Mother Earth, the Universal Goddesses of Truth, Forgiveness and Awareness and my Wiccan friends across Scotland and elsewhere (you know who you are!)

So it is now October 2017.

Ten months have passed since my acceptance of womanhood and by deed poll successfully my name and gender has been corrected. I have been on hormone therapy but my body hasn't taken too well to it thus far and there have been some frankly groteseque side-effects which led me to quit work before summer and continue to leave me mostly housebound. At least for the time being! That infinitely-deep well of faith keeps me positive.

To fans of my music, I am aware changing surname could entail confusion but I feel to truly enjoy the newly found emanicipation I must escape from a family name I have always disliked, both for its enunciation and evocation of buttocks. (One may have assumed I would take up my sometime pseudonym "McBrute" but this again is a brutal masculine sounding name I no longer wish to be associated with.) I will be updating all my promo pictures when I am healthy enough to do so and although the pitch of my voice has yet to change significantly, as it regains its true femininity I may just have one or two more songs in me yet! ;)

McBee was the nickname bestowed upon me by High Priestess Nigella S. Thringe during my first visit to Stromness in 2014 and in light of her tragic, unexpected passing last year, I thought I would honour her by making it my official surname. The fact Rory is a gender-neutral name explains why subconciously I've always liked it and felt like a 'Rory'. Kaitlyn on the other hand is both tribute to my favourite female wrestler and aforementioned Ms Jenner - whilst keeping the 'K' of my birth initials intact. Changing initials seemed quite honestly a step too far!

How am I finding life as a woman? So far so good! Mentally at least. Physically quite the opposite but it is very early days. I have at least joined up with the feminist society in Cumbernauld and next week hope to take part in the protest to put an end to ALL discrimination. It is the 21st Century, when will men learn their place? We women are not only going to show the chauvinist male pigs that we exist but (in the words of the Queen herself) "we rule the world"!*

We transgender females may yet not be fully accepted in Cumbernauld but we continue to fight the good fight of awareness and understanding (peacefully of course). If any of you have questions or doubts about your own transgender issues do contact me. I will be shortly publishing on this site my poetry as a woman - and in true humbleness I say it is FAR greater than anything conceived before my awakening - alongside more frequent updates about my new life.

And how to end this momentous update? A short prayer of course;

Mother Earth,
High Priestess Universe
I am born again.
Semblance in truth,
Femininity unbounded
You create and protect.
Womanhood creates,
And is life
So praise her.
In peace


I love you all,
R x


* To my wiccan sisters: like you I *do* condemn Beyoncé's bourgoise message but can't deny I find her lyrics empowering. I am speaking as a poet alongside a fan of music.

My inaugration

There is so much pain in the World. There is so much pain in each of us. Let us strive to see our true humanity. Let us not judge each other. Let love guide us - with the aide of Mother Earth and the Goddesses Justice and Peace - to see the inner light that shines within all. Despite the hatred that remains at the heart of all evil patriarchal political structures, the healing CAN and MUST come from women and the very few kind-natured men whom struggle in silence. Let us JOIN together. On this inaugration day, here is my INAUGRATION PRAYER (from the ever-inspirational Lady Caer Morganna):

"O Gracious Mother and Merciful Father,

We pray that you help the leaders of this world to have compassion in their hearts,

That you give them the wisdom to end the suffering caused by wars,

And the understanding that only through peace will we truly be happy;

We humbly ask you to guard and protect all of our brothers and sisters in the military,

And give comfort to their loved ones,

May you lead us from death to life,

From falsehood to truth,

Lead us from despair to hope,

From fear to trust,

Lead us from hate to love,

From war to peace,

Let peace fill our hearts, our world, our Universe;

Let our words be spoken in truth,

And our hearts show only love."

http://thewiccalife.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/prayer-for-peace.html

An Awakening

The first day of a new year, the first day of a new me. An awakening has occured, please join me in The Lady's Prayer:

 ♀

Our Mother,

Who art amongst us,

Hallowed is Thy presence.

Our realm is here,

We sense Thee near,

On Earth, which is our living Heaven.

Teach us this day to bake our bread,

And accept us in our human-ness

As we accept each other, in spite of our limitations.

Lead us not into domination,

But empower us to freedom.

For ours is this Air, This Fire,

This Water, This Earth,

Forever and Ever.

Blessed Be.